Successes given to us but not earned, are never ours to keep.

With ever-increasing rates of depression and anxiety in children, it appears that the focus on self-esteem as the keystone of child development has failed to deliver the hordes of higher-achieving happy children it promised. No longer can we say that low self-esteem causes failure.

This knowledge frees us. Children need to be taught the skills to do well, so we can put our energies into enticing our children into the experience of learning.

The notion that we need to encourage our children to feel good about themselves before they can be successful is not only erroneous, it is dangerous. It tempts us to bathe our children in unwarranted praise. This makes them unsure of themselves and leads to the need for more praise. With no independent sense of self, born from an informative and accurate assessment of their endeavours, they become reliant on feedback that will supposedly raise their self-esteem. Like all addictions, the hit they get from the artificial praise doesn't last long, requiring more of the same at an ever-increasing frequency. When children learn to master challenges, study, co-operate, persevere, avoid drugs, reject crime, socially interact, analyse, empathise, add up, debate and much more, their self-esteem will soar. By teaching them the skills to do good they will feel good.

Knowing that success elevates self-esteem we can be tempted to offer children big wins with little effort. Success must be earned. Success feels best when we've been stretched to attain it. It's the application of effort that allows us to own the outcome. By owning our achievements and successes we benefit from them. Successes given to us but not earned are never ours to keep.

DO GOOD TO FEEL GOOD

Wilson McCaskill