Tough Love, Fluff Love or Something in between...

There have been a few instances lately where I have been questioning just what do we mean at King’s when we say we are Building Men for Life…It’s quite a sturdy statement, isn’t it? It implies strength, resilience…

Might a working definition be something like:

a)     Building…a work in progress; the act of constructing little by little; the accrual of material and experiences to contribute to development; the act of revising/ reconstructing/ rearranging to ultimately contribute to future wholeness…???

b)     Men … hmmmmm; hmmmmm? a person of character??  Someone with a backbone? (metaphorically speaking…I think we can take the literal as a given), a being of integrity? An independent, confident, capable, self-aware, self-reflective, communicative, responsive, intelligent, responsible, contributing member of society…..phewf!! Veeeeeery ambitious….but how awesome….!!

c)     Life…longevity, the long haul, unpredictability, success/failure, hard work /rewards, joy and sorrow, satisfaction and disappointment, friends and family/loneliness, kindness/hardship, love/heartbreak…on and on we go, with no promises in store bar those we make for ourselves on, in all probability, a quite bumpy ride where you will need to hold on to your hat….

Yikes! This is quite a tall order for five years in our educative establishment! But also it’s not really, because it’s not just us – the five years of high school education is a contributing ‘cog’ in the home, parent, student continuum.

All of this will work best then, when parents, teachers and students, dare I say, ‘speak’ the same language…(ie: emotional, behavioural, aspirational language)  

Interestingly, all of the instances that have made me think about the above of late, have come from experiences with words, speaking and communication…and so I began to think even more closely than an English teacher does on any given day, about the importance of words, speaking and communication…

A  wise psychologist was once known to say: Being understood is a fundamental human need…as a result the power to communicate needs to be treated advisedly…

Instance One:

Students at school need to respect one another’s right to express themselves in order to allow each other to learn.  Each individual student in every class has an equal right to this…and they need to make sure they share and protect that right for themselves but also for each other.

This means they have to find the very fine line between friendly ‘banter’ (yes…the banter between friends even) and the cross over into verbal intimidation through public, verbal rough-housing disguised as ‘joking’ and ‘I didn’t mean it’… In other words, sneaky, dishonest, veiled power-play.

This does not build men…it builds bullies.

Instance Two:  

Students out of school (applying the fundamental ‘rules’ to broader life)

Be honest with your words. Make an honest effort…and you’ll go far. Make an honest apology when you get it wrong. Children are amazing, awesome, wondrous and mighty…but they are not almighty, they are not gods…they fail…as we frequently failed before them. They are still learning  –  we should expect them to get it wrong – while we trust their intention has been to get it right. Or, at times, there was no intention at all…teenage vacant brain space is quite common…and while being ‘vacant’ can sometimes still achieve harm.

Parents and teachers are there to help – not to completely shield. Or else these youngsters in our care do not learn. Protecting and denying such errors does not toughen – it weakens.

It does not build men…for today, or for tomorrow even, and certainly not for life – It builds weasels.

Instance Three:

Students on Display

The recent Junior Speech Competition provided a forum for our young men - our junior students to stand apart from the group, as representatives of the group and speak to and for the group  – alone. 

For many, this has been a real work in progress. And as such it is ‘part of the building’. Many were not ready to speak this time around and that’s fine. Rome was not built in a day. Not all students grow in all fields at the same rate. And public speaking is hard, challenging, way beyond the comfort zone for many…But how satisfying to witness students who, last year, could not make themselves speak in Year 9, become competent and confident speakers and presenters in Year 10 –  that truly is building.

Further, on the flip side, teaching students to be a good audience is to share the learning for the non-speakers: watch and learn how others have gone about the task. That is the building achieved by boys being attentive to their peers to learn for their own ‘next opportunity’. Rising to this responsibility and thoughtfulness enables students in the audience to also ‘build’ their character if they are mindful enough.

The speakers in any such competition, are a minority group who ‘put themselves in the arena’. They push themselves out of their comfort zone to test their limits, their capabilities and their skills. This, of itself, is due significant respect.

The judging on this occasion clearly rewarded those who dared to go a step further.  All speeches were well researched, sculpted and prepared. The standard was mighty…but judging, notably, rewarded those who spoke their own truth. Those who dared to use, literally and metaphorically, their own voice. This showed much about their character, their personal growth, their personal excellence.

This was bravery.

This was an example, this week, of Building Men for Life.