It has come to the attention of the publishers of Stimulus that people aren’t reading the Bible like they used to when they, well, when they used to read the Bible.

Recognising that this is really not good for the business of a reputable theological learning educational enquiry institution (of repute), an update has been commissioned.

Way back the Amplified Bible was published – a longer version of an already long document, with many more pages, consequently commanding a higher price and filling even fuller the coffers of the likes of media mogul Rupert Murdoch (bet you didn’t know he publishes Bibles – among other stuff).

To encourage intelligent study of the Scriptures, we are advised to make them more accessible. Here we go, with the Old Testament (for starters) – the D(e)amplified Bible:

Genesis

God made stuff, it was pretty good, but some of the humans stuffed up big time which put things on the skids for a while.

Exodus

A fairly long explanation of people getting out of where, well wherever they were following a previously timed arrival there. A few plagues, a few pyramids, and a mighty long beach stroll down to the sea which was only swimmable, in a sense, by Egyptians (who as it turned out, couldn’t actually swim).

Leviticus

Rules and stuff.

Numbers

(If you’re interested in that sort of thing).

Deuteronomy

Fairly prescriptive on how you are supposed to live, if you’re interested in living back then, which I’m not.

Joshua

Bringing the walls down in the old-fashioned way.

Judges

A new era of leadership, without wigs.

Ruth

Time for a few yarns based around the female of the species. While earlier books haven’t actually been named after blokes, blokes tend to have featured fairly large in their narratives.

1 Samuel (now Samuel 1.0)

Speaks for itself. Was originally called Samuel, until there was another one.

Samuel 2.0 (keeping to the new style)

More of the above. And not just about Sam either.

1 Kings

Despite the title, there were actually quite a few. Grammar hadn’t been invented when they wrote this down, hence they didn’t say 1 King.

2 Kings

(Now grammar HAD been invented). This covers the demise of the time of the Kings

Chronicles 1.0 (back to the future in terms of style)

Prequel to the C. S. Lewis’ Narnia stories. Also repeats a bit of the stuff about the kings etc.

Chronicles 2.0

A few more of them.

Ezra

A descendant of Sraya – and his descendants settled early in Australia, by which time the land had a much longer name, albeit with a similar pronunciation.

Nehemiah

Some good team building ideas here. Constructed a wall (well before Trump copied the idea).

Esther

A Queen, who predates Priscilla (Queen of the Desert)

Job

Not so much an employment agency as the story of a conversation between a guy with a slightly untrendy name, and God. One of them tends to be not doing too well, but I’ll leave you to read exactly how he ain’t doing too well.

Psalms

Latest hits of a competent muso who had an eye for gorgeous distractions. Quite a hunk he was, every inch a man. Every foot a ruler.

Proverbs

The origin of the word ‘proverbial’.

Ecclesiastes

Qoheleth offers a bunch of wise reflections. Quite an individualist, he refused the customary ‘u’ after the ‘q’.

Song of Solomon

Some racy stuff here, minus the pictures. This one got included when the editorial committee was away at lunch. (When they got back they assumed it was merely some delightful musical numbers and they moved on with more profitable stuff.)

Isaiah

(Nothing to do with the fact that the bloke’s left eye was located slightly higher than his right eye). Experts think this book could have been written by two or even three guys, otherwise, one guy who lived an incredibly long time and had an exceptionally long lunch break in the middle. Isaiah was honoured to be ranked as the first of the listed major prophets.

Jeremiah

He also made the cut as a major prophet. Some reckon he also wrote the Kings stuff (above) in which case it was time to put his own signature to his work.

Lamentations

Not to be confused with lamingtons (irrespective of whether these were invented in Australia or NZ), this is a series of laments (get it?) after the destruction of Jerusalem.

Ezekiel

He lived in Iraq, some time before the Americans turned up in 2003. A prophet who foresaw the destruction of Jerusalem.

Daniel

Another Iraqi resident, involuntary, who gained a reputation for wise words and behaviour and a canny understanding of parallel lions. A few hundred years later Christians in the Colosseum were unable to emulate his exploits. (The Irish song Danny Boy was actually written by somebody else).

The Minor Prophets

Despite protest, Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk (for real), Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, and Malachi were relegated to the also-rans in terms of the prophet listings. In fact, Malachi just squeaked into the last place, being merely one place ahead (alphabetically) of the prophet Murray (a chap from Timaru).

The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily (but just might) represent the views of the publishers of Stimulus.

©All rights reversed