St Imulus: Scoop! Stories from the New Earth
“And I saw a new heaven and a New Zealand…” Revelation 21:1, Kiwi Bible
Unbeknownst (Ed: I like that doubly-prefixed word with a good olde worde suffix for free) to most biblical scholarly experts of the ‘new heaven and new earth,’ a lot of the biblical characters we know so well ended up doing their New Earth thing in New Zealand. Having heard extensively of Godzone, from the infinite array of eternal resettlement options they were offered by St Peter, hundreds of them—thousands even—chose to take up their new eternal lives here, knowing that they would be personally exempted from any earthquakes, pestilences, and the like that might turn up from time to time. The archangel Gabriel (or, possibly, Gabrielle), with a gigantic puff of celestial wind and ginormous cloud, arranged their transfer.
On arrival which was simultaneously simultaneous as well as spaced out over centuries—things work like that in the New Earth—they have naturally (actually, supernaturally) endeavoured to appropriately assimilate with the locals, whom they know as paleo-residents, still residing in the Old Earth version.
Saint Imulus—who moves between realms seamlessly—is pleased to introduce you to some of those neo-residents, and share something of their back (and forwards) story.
We meet the Apostle Paul first (although in fact, he boasts of himself as one of the least). Paul, previously known for his trade manufacturing transitory holiday homes of canvas-like substances, found his first occupation on arrival was the construction of campervans and glamping tents. In his spare time, he enrolled in a Te Reo course at the University of Canterbury, where of course, he quickly discovered the library. He actually confessed to much preferring its previous location in what had now become the Arts Centre in the middle of the city. The Arts Centre presented some classic architecture, after all, plus an opportunity for him to wax eloquent in the Great Hall from time to time (to nobody in particular). The beauty of the various libraries around the city, Paul noted, was in the number of volumes in which he was referred.
For old times’ sake, Paul had recently travelled on a nostalgic “missionary journey” to the north. With his previous experience of unsuccessful maritime journeys, Paul chose the overland option and specifically headed out on the Coastal Pacific train. The train itself reminded him SO much of the book of Genesis (which he regretfully hadn’t written, he would have strengthened it with some academic credibility), with its description of anything “that creepethupontheearth.” It sure did, unlike the bullet train he’d heard of from his mate Francis Xavier, a guy who was doing his New Earth thing in Japan, where he’d previously spent some Old Earth time.
On his journey north, Paul called in on Jonah’s Whale Watching Enterprises in Kaikoura, and took one of their three-day tours. At the weekend, Jonah took him twenty minutes up the road to pick up some kai at the iconic (not that he does icons) Nin’s Bin Crayfish Café. Over lunch, as they chewed the fat (and the crayfish) Paul regaled Jonah with entertaining stories (in which he did not boast) from his hometown of Tarsus. Jonah kept confusing it with Tarshish, an actual place, despite Paul thinking it was a result of the few jars Jonah had consumed.
Jonah told Paul he was feeling like taking a few days’ leave, so Paul invited him to travel north with him. As no ocean-going vessels were heading north that day from Kaikoura (not that Jonah would have taken one; he’d learned his lesson a while back), Jonah agreed to join Paul on the train. They headed up to Blenheim and then took a bus to Nelson, where they caught up with Peter and Andrew, both in senior management with Sealord Fisheries. Peter invited them to join him on a stroll across the harbour after work that evening—an activity in which he was now more successful than on a previous occasion. They declined Peter’s invitation, instead accepting Andrew’s offer of a meal at his favourite Greek bar and restaurant. And you’d never guess who was sitting at the next table—Adam and Eve from up the nearby Eden Valley. Adam told them of his time working from home as a researcher for Ancestry.com. He’d done a great job building charts and family trees of his and Eve’s descendants. (Eve, for her day job, is CEO of the Origins Cidery—whose strongest local competitor is Snake’s Bite Cider). Adam, though a first-class researcher, told Paul and Jonah that he’d frustratingly drawn a complete blank when endeavouring to discover his and Eve’s ancestors.
Adam updated them on the rehabilitation of his lad Cain. Cain had served time for a major indiscretion way back. His sentence had been reduced on appeal on the grounds that he was (now) an only child raised by parents who had been evicted from their home, and themselves had no role models for their task of raising a toddler.
Tuning up on the stage in the corner was David King and his fellow musos. David was harping on to one of his bandmates about the failure of his application for funding from NZ on Air. David’s son Solomon, wise man that he was, had advised David against it, being an Old Earth thing, for which New Earthlings were not eligible to apply. Headstrong as ever, David had ignored Solomon’s wisdom and gone ahead with his application anyway. A chap called Nathan had been in touch with David regarding some unusual and questionable features of his application. For example, recording his date of birth as around 1000 BC was never going to cut the mustard, and Nathan told David it brought into question his values and integrity. Kind of a déjà vu moment for David.
Leaning on the bar nearby, also from way back and now in New Zealand, was Enoch. Except that to be consistent with his previous life, Enoch was not. This of course, caused some confusion for Paul, who was entirely accustomed to actually finishing any sentence that he began.
The gathered saints became aware of a significant commotion out on the veranda, raised voices, vigorous gesturing, rising aggro. What could it be?
…to be continued next issue, with an update on the new lives of Lydia, Onesimus, Euodia, Syntche, and many more. Plus, an introduction to Lazarus’ Funeral Services and their four-day money-back guarantee to those not completely satisfied.