If you have noticed that your child has a tendency to have a big reaction to any kind of problem or is easily upset when they face a challenge, it could be helpful to talk to them about the size of the problem.

Following on from an earlier newsletter, Stepping back to support your child, supporting your child to assess the size of a problem is another important way to help them to develop their self-management skills. This newsletter provides a brief overview of the difference between big and small problems and how to cope with each of these.

Big problems may involve things such as:

• Danger

• People possibly being hurt

• People being significantly unwell

• Natural disasters

• Ongoing unhelpful behaviours by others

• Events that may last for a long time or impact a lot of people

If your child is facing a big problem they should ask an adult for help and seek guidance from adults as to how to cope.

Small problems, in comparison, are those which a child can self-manage and do not involve things such as danger or ongoing unhelpful behaviours. Examples of small problems include:

• Losing a game

• Forgetting a sunhat for outside play

• Not completing a task at school one day

• Small problems can also be an accident such as someone bumping into your child and they hurt themselves as a result of this

• Events that last for a short time or impact one person, or a small number of people

Small problems can be resolved by your child by them:

• Staying calm and acknowledging that they are okay, they are not in danger, and they can work though this problem

• Problem solving, which may include talking to someone else about a solution or other options

• Using their words and asking someone to stop an unhelpful behaviour

• Ignoring unhelpful behaviours

• Taking a deep breath, moving away and doing something else, or using other calming strategies

Small problems can seem like big problems if children do not develop the skills and awareness to self-manage small problems. For example, if your child forgets their sunhat they may feel frustrated because they cannot play on the field, or they may feel disappointed in themselves for forgetting it. These feelings are valid and should be acknowledged but it is also an important opportunity for your child to learn how to problem solve, accept frustration and know that it is only for one lunch hour that they cannot play on the field. It can also provide the opportunity to look at things in a different way, for example having the opportunity to try a new activity at lunchtime or playing with different friends who do not usually play on the field. If your child simply focuses on not having their sunhat and everything that is bad about that, and that the only way to cope is for a parent to bring in their hat or to simply view school rules as annoying, then they will view the issue as a big problem and miss the opportunity to develop important self-management skills.

I encourage you to talk through the size of problems with your child. Some resources also talk about medium sized problems, so as you talk about this at home you could brainstorm what you and your child view as big, medium and small sized problems, and how to cope with these. If your child’s reaction matches the size of the problem then they will feel positive about their ability to cope with problems, and others will too.

Image sourced from: Social Work Toolkit, on Twitter.

Jenelle Hooson

Jenelle is a Registered Provisional Member with NZAC (New Zealand Association of Counsellors).

If you wish to discuss the services the School Counsellor can provide, please see your son’s homeroom teacher or Scott Johnson: scott.johnson@medbury.school.nz.