I often talk with students about the best way to communicate with others when they feel their voice is not being heard or when they are finding the behaviour of others challenging. Here is the four step process I recommended for students to use; they can use as many of the steps as they feel they need to or are comfortable with.

Step 1: Clearly, and politely, let the other person know what you need them to do. By being polite you are keeping things calm and displaying self-control. What you say needs to be specific, not just “Stop it”. By being specific this lets the other person know exactly what it is that they need to change, stop doing or help with. For example:

• Please stop kicking the ball

• I need you to stop borrowing my pencils

• Please stop calling me that name

Hopefully Step 1 works but if it doesn’t move on to Step 2.

Step 2: Clearly, and politely, let the other person know what you need them to do and add why. By repeating the request and adding why, you are appealing to the other person’s empathy and understanding.

• Please stop kicking the ball because the rules of the game are that you cannot kick the ball

• I need you to stop borrowing my pencils because I have run out of spare pencils and need them for myself

• Please stop calling me that name because that is not a name that I have chosen for myself and I do not like that name

Hopefully Step 2 works but if it doesn’t move on to Step 3.

Step 3: Let the other person know that you will need to tell an adult, such as a teacher, about what they are doing. This next step acknowledges that you have tried to communicate your needs, at least two other ways, and you are giving them one more opportunity to do what you are asking.

• Please stop kicking the ball or I will need to tell an adult

• I need you to stop borrowing my pencils, otherwise I will need to tell our teacher

• Please stop calling me that name. If you cannot do that I will need to tell the teacher

Hopefully Step 3 works but if it doesn’t move on to Step 4.

Step 4: Tell an adult, like your teacher, what has been happening.

If you reach Step 4 then you have tried several ways yourself to clearly communicate your needs and it is now time to ask an adult for support.

It is a very normal part of life to have different opinions to others and to find the behaviour of others challenging at times. It is therefore important for your children to have processes they can use to confidently and clearly communicate their needs to others. This newsletter provides one possible process for communication which I encourage you to talk about at home.

Image sourced from: Six communication skills every child should know.

Jenelle Hooson

Jenelle is a Registered Provisional Member with NZAC (New Zealand Association of Counsellors).

If you wish to discuss the services the School Counsellor can provide, please see your son’s homeroom teacher or Scott Johnson: scott.johnson@medbury.school.nz.