Context: This opinion piece is based on the idea of the on-road dominance of a car. This was quipped by Maria Konnikova who said in her article “whichever mode of transportation you currently happen to be using—whether you’re the pedestrian, the cyclist, or the driver—you are correct, no matter the scenario. Everyone else is in your way, wrong, annoying, and otherwise a terrible human being.” I wrote this satirically from the POV of an enraged driver as the car vs cyclist debate seems to be quite topical at present.

Global warming, terrorism and immigration. All ever present issues in today’s world. But these issues are all small fry problems compared to the real menace of our society, the dreaded cyclist. Unparalleled in terms of ‘bad’, the cyclist resides in a league of its own, making car drivers fear for their safety. It’s about time we took these villains down.

The first issue with cyclists is their status as a ‘free rider’. They roam well beyond the law. They don’t pay road registration, don’t require a license and don’t even wear a seatbelt. I know. It’s manic. For road registration, no cyclist actually already owns a car that they pay registration for. They simply use the road, just to wear down the tarseal to irritate car drivers. The damage a cyclist causes to the tarmac is profound. A seven kilogram bike with two 26mm tyres that travels 30kmh must cause insane amounts of road wear compared to a 1500kg car with four 225mm tyres travelling upwards of 100kmh. It’s basic physics. The government needs to pick up on this soon before the cyclists cause irreparable damage to our transport budget.

Cyclists just shouldn’t be on the roads. They travel considerably slower than cars and no vehicle should be allowed to inhibit the speed of the car master race. I was heading home just the other day and was temporarily stuck behind a cyclist who held me up for 10 seconds until the lane was clear to pass. Because of that major interference, I was late home and subsequently missed the first 15 seconds of The Chase on TV1. The cyclist clearly had no respect for me, and my incredibly tight schedule, and now I’ll never know Cheryl from Sheffield’s incredibly interesting occupation.

Here’s a thought to ponder. Cyclists claim to be so eco-friendly yet it may enlighten you to know that they too produce carbon dioxide emissions. It’s basic biology really. They take away our precious oxygen and replace it with 21 grams of carbon dioxide per kilometre. Carbon dioxide absorbs heat energy and prevents it leaving our atmosphere which slowly heats our planet over time. It’s outrageous that cyclists can just produce greenhouse gases as they please. There's absolutely no respect for the environment in that. If we want to stop global warming, stopping these cyclists is a crucial step.

Cyclist attire is a crime against humanity. It’s the mankini of the 21st century. Why do they think it’s right to wear tight clothing? It’s not like it gives them a more aerodynamic advantage or provides comfort. They do it purely for the displeasure of motorists and the general public. And it is when they enter cafes after a group ‘ride’ that they really go balls out. While their cogs are relatively obscured on the bike, it’s when they hop off that the crown jewels really go on display. How can someone possibly drink a coffee or eat a cake when a cyclist is in the vicinity. It’s public indecency at its finest. In a world moulded by freedom of expression, it’s about time we started taking it away.

Cyclists, a group of individuals carved out of everything wrong with this world. An Adelaide University report found that 21% of cyclist versus motorist collisions were caused by the cyclist. It’s gobsmacking how the mistakes of cyclists can cause the motorist’s car damage. How would the cyclist feel in the unlikely event that the motorist is responsible? Let’s get these cyclists off our streets. They cause damage to our cars, to our eyes and to our earth. Next time you’re stuck behind the cyclist, give in to your road rage and run them down. After all, you won’t be caught, you won’t be held accountable and you most certainly will not be charged with the murder of another human being.