Developing Well-Rounded, Independent and Resourceful Young People

At Ōtūmoetai Intermediate School, we are noticing an increasing demand from a small number of parents for teachers to respond immediately or frequently to their requests for information. Requests such as: “I want you to text me weekly with an update on my son’s progress”, or “I expect you to email me a weekly report on my child’s progress” are becoming more frequent. Often, these requests come by email or social media in the evening with the expectation of an immediate response.

Our teachers are highly dedicated and are keen to keep parents informed regarding their child’s progress. They are however, responsible for up to 31 students in their class and simply do not have the ability or time to provide this intensive level of communication with every family. As a school, we endeavour to be responsive to parents and their child’s needs. We welcome parent inquires and seek to keep in regular communication with parents and caregivers. We suggest that you arrange a time to meet your child’s teacher face to face if you have a concern or need. If it is urgent, please contact our Deputy Principals and Principal for a follow up.

Student Well-Being

In New Zealand as in other countries, schools are seeing more and more anxious parents and children right from early childhood. There is no clear reason for this. It is possible the over emphasis on test results and achievement at the expense of child development in the past decade may have something to do with this. Others may blame the all-pervasive internet and social media.

Our Ōtūmoetai Kāhui Ako / Community of Learning School Leaders have noticed this trend in our students as they arrive at school and move through our learning pathway. In 2018 we surveyed all 5,600 students in our nine schools to determine their level of well-being. The focus areas were:

· Sense of Belonging

· Self-Efficacy (self-belief, confidence)

· Grit (resilience, the ability to pick oneself up after a setback)

· Growth Mindset (recognising that intelligence is not fixed and that you can grow your ability and knowledge)

The survey for our school showed that Ōtūmoetai Intermediate students perceived Growth Mindset as their strength area. They perceived Self-Efficacy as an area of relative weakness. Elements of Belonging and Grit appeared in both strengths and weaknesses.

What this means for us as teachers and you as parents, is that we need to find every opportunity to develop each child’s Self Efficacy (confidence in themselves) and Grit (resilience). This means enabling them to meet and overcome challenges and to learn from set-backs in their personal development. By over protecting children as they move through their schooling and life, we rob them of the ability to develop these important attributes. The following two articles are shared to stimulate discussion and prompt parents and caregivers to think carefully about how they support their child at school, university and beyond.

The Sydney Morning Herald

'Profoundly Dangerous': A Generation at Risk from 'Concierge Parents'

One parent was so upset about their child's assessment that they paid an outside tutor to re-mark the essay and demanded the school use the rival result, which was one point higher. Then there was the mother who wrote to a school offering to sit detention on her daughter's behalf, arguing she was the one who was late to wash the forgotten uniform, so she would accept the punishment.

They are among a legion of Sydney parents rushing to rescue their children from everyday challenges and minor failures such as a spat with a mate, a talking-to from their teacher, or a forgotten history assignment. Some dub them snowploughs, because they remove obstacles from their child's path. But the principal of St Catherine's School in Waverley, Julie Townsend, prefers the term 'concierge parents'. "They are there at a little desk waiting for any problems, and sort them out," she said.

The United States scandal over parents bribing officials to admit their children to exclusive colleges is an extreme form of the parenting trend, but it has been on the rise in Australia too, according to Principals of Sydney schools.

"I have seen quite a significant change," says Jenny Allum, who has been Principal of SCEGGS Darlinghurst for more than two decades. "They expect [their children] to have fewer hurdles and more accolades, more opportunities, more recognition."

Timothy Wright, Headmaster of Shore School, has noticed more parents querying team selections, or essay marks, or invitations.

"I think some parents are more anxious about managing their children for ongoing success than they are about ongoing learning," he said. "The notion that 'my child must always succeed' is profoundly dangerous." It creates students that are too fragile to accept feedback. "They can't cope when a teacher says, 'you need more reasoning here', or 'this is unclear'," said Dr Wright.

The Principals emphasised that the vast majority of parents were sensible. Concierge parents made up "maybe 10 per cent of families," says Dr Townsend. "But they take up 90 per cent of your time." Students need challenges at school to prepare them for adulthood. "Children should experience failure in order to learn that there are habits of mind and characteristics of personality that enable them to struggle and persevere," said Dr Wright. "The only way we can teach young people that parents are not their slaves nor their secretaries, and to reinforce that they themselves are really quite capable, is to allow young people to become capable."

The NSW Department of Education issued a Parent Code of Conduct last year. St Catherine's also issued its own version, explaining that parents should treat teachers respectfully, and that repeated breaches might result in a ban from school premises.

"It gives the teachers the opportunity to say to parents, 'your behaviour is not acceptable'," said Dr Townsend.

For SCEGGS, the focus is education. "Our Deputy Principal [Holly Gyton] told year seven parents she wanted to leave them with one word - wobble," said Ms Allum. "'When you were teaching them to ride a bike, they wobbled. Let them wobble'."

'Concierge parenting' is not confined to private schools - many government schools report it too - but it is "often the domain of the educated and the anxious," said Judith Locke, author of The Bonsai Child.

"The more education you get, the more fearful you are of minor things affecting children - the long term of effect of not getting onto the netball team. When you have hyper-vigilance about what your child is going through, you are more likely to protect them from problematic events.

"We think self-esteem is about a perfect life and being happy. But really, it's believing you can cope with whatever's coming up in the future."

Parents accustomed to saving their children tend not to stop once the child has finished high school. Dr Locke has heard stories of parents ringing University Lecturers, and even workplaces to sort out problems for their children. Since 2014, Sydney University has published a newsletter for parents, which has had a "very positive response," said a university spokesperson.

Karen Porter, a single mother of three boys, decided three years ago that she was carrying too much of the domestic load. Since then, each boy has been responsible for cooking one meal a week, and they all pitch in with the cleaning and laundry. They are also responsible for managing their school, homework and extra-curricular activities. She believes it is important for them to become resourceful and self-sufficient.

"I reasoned that at the age of 12 I was cooking, so there was no reason they couldn't do it," she said. "The more that they buy into the idea that we are all a team, the better it will be for their relationships in the future."

By Jordan Baker, Sydney Morning Herald
March 24, 2019

Patrick Walsh Article

Learning About Consequences is Invaluable for Teenagers

No one seriously advocates today for the return of "corporal punishment" to the school sector. With hindsight, we now know the physical, emotional and psychological harm it did. Apart from that it was ineffective long term in changing behaviour and provided poor role modelling, particularly for males in resolving conflict. Enlightened behaviour management practices in schools today have a strong focus on restorative practices, rehabilitation and whānau support.

The rationale for this is to address the underlying causes of the poor behaviour and to work with students in selecting strategies to prevent it from happening again. There is no doubt this is generally the right approach and one our criminal justice system could do more of. The danger, however, is that the pendulum has swung so far in favour of rehabilitation that many students and their parents believe that any form of adverse consequence or dare I say it "punishment" is both unnecessary and undesirable. They advocate that if their child assaults another student, steals or takes drugs the default position of the school should be to offer anger management, counselling and addiction therapy.

Responsible schools, of course, do this.

When Principals advise, however, that in addition to these supportive measures, because their child has caused harm, a natural consequence is they must accept some form of punishment. This often includes community work, detention, litter duty or removing graffiti. These activities can be unpleasant, hard work and cut into a teenager's social life since they are often done after school. Parent pushback on these consequences is unhelpful and I would contend doing their child no favours. They miss out on an invaluable life lesson namely: "when you make poor decisions which adversely affect others, you must accept the consequences of your behaviour even if you would rather avoid them".

This approach can also put students at risk as they emerge into adulthood. While courts today are more inclined to take a therapeutic and educative approach to offenders, the reality is if you "do the crime you do the time". Parents can't negotiate prison time with a judge for their child. It is far better to learn this lesson at school rather than in a prison cell. The "consequence lesson" is also instructive on drink driving, borrowing money and turning up late to work where teenagers are often shocked about the outcomes.

In the world of "social media", some teenagers have become tyrants in their own homes. Meal times and bed times are built around social media engagement with parental requests ignored or yelled at. At school, if cell phones are repeatedly used inappropriately they are confiscated. Distraught teenagers who have come to see their phone as a life-preserving device similar to an oxygen mask will bully their parents into pleading or threatening the school to return it immediately. These teenagers learn a difficult lesson that while tantrums and coercion might have a high measure of success at home, they won't work at school. It does place the school and home in unnecessary conflict. It would be far better if parents and teachers were on the "same page" with the misuse of social media including consequences.

My plea is that parents give their children a belated Christmas present, namely that they love them enough to accept "all" the consequences of their behaviour if they slip up at school.

By Patrick Walsh
Past Principal John Paul College, Rotorua