Success in any endeavour is the result of hard work, determination, dedication and resilience. Like an iceberg, the performance we see - on the sports field, stage or grade for an assessment - tells only a small fraction of the story.

At our recent Sports and Cultural and Senior Prizegivings we recognised a diverse range of outstanding achievements. The young men who were the recipients of awards deserve our recognition for the commitment and effort that has enabled them to achieve at a high level.

A notable feature of high performers in any field of endeavour is their focus on process. While it is natural to have the end goal in mind there are often many obstacles on the journey that are beyond our control. Being very clear about what we can control - our attitude and effort and our responses to the things that happen to us - and focusing our effort and attention on those things, helps to keep us focused and on track.

Likewise, identifying what we cannot control - such as the weather or an official's decisions in a sports fixture or the wording of a question in an assessment - and ensuring that we do not dwell on these things, also helps keep us focused and on track.

Additionally, knowing what we can and cannot control is good for our mental health. Often, when we feel stressed, it is because we focus on things outside of our control and worry about possible consequences or other people's perceptions. We ruminate on these things, constantly turning them over in our minds, often making them bigger than they really are. Yet, in reality, we have little control over these factors. All we can do is concentrate on the things we can control and do everything possible to give the best account of ourselves.

The Farmer and the Donkey

The parable of the Farmer and the Donkey has a pertinent message about the importance of striving to move forward in the midst of challenges and using the obstacles we face as opportunities for growth and improvement.

"One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway-it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all of his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!"

We get to choose how we respond to challenging situations. We can look to make excuses and blame someone or something else. Or we can accept what is happening, take responsibility for our actions and work to find ways to move forward. This can be an especially tough thing for young men. they will often require the support of a parent or other trusted adult to move from blame and excuses to acceptance and having the courage to move forward.

One of the worst things we can do as parents is to shelter our children from challenging situations. Challenging situations create stress and anxiety. However, we need to allow them to face adversity and to learn from it.

“It's not what happens to you that determines how far you will go in life; it is how you handle what happens to you.”

—Zig Ziglar

The Science of Motivating Young People

Writing in '10-25 Years: The Science of Motivating Young People' Dr. David Yeager explores a wide range of research and provides practical suggestions for how some perceived teenage 'weaknesses' can in fact be harnessed as strengths.

Stress and Anxiety

Who read those words and instantly assumed that they refer to negative emotions? For most of human history, stress has kept us alive. It has let us know when danger approaches so we could, literally, escape with our lives. Today, very few of us will ever find ourselves in life-threatening situations. However, the evolution of a safer society has been much faster than our biological evolution. So, we find ourselves stressed and anxious in situations where we really don't need to be.

Dr. Yeager explains that we have an ingrained belief that if we are feeling stressed our performance will decline. And, for some people, this is no doubt true. However, for most of us, a bit of stress is good. Stress releases hormones called catecholamines which are associated with better cognitive functioning.

"Although stressful experiences feel unpleasant in the moment, they are the path through which everyone who ever became really good at something got to where they are." - The Synergistic-Mindsets Intervention

Two strategies help people during stressful situations. The first of these is having a growth mindset. Recognising that abilities are not fixed and can be developed with dedicated effort and responding positively to feedback. Having a growth mindset causes people to view difficulty as a challenge - a chance to learn, grow and improve - rather than as a threat. The second is having a stress-can-be-enhancing belief. People with this belief are much more inclined to see stress as a normal part of life rather than something to be feared.

So, if your son is stressed?

• Acknowledge his feelings and help him to identify the source of the stress

• Help him to apply a growth mindset perspective - what will he learn by working through the obstacle or challenge, what skills will he develop

• By emphasising the potential growth you will help him to see that stress can be enhancing.

Dr. Yeager has even scripted two messages to help parents:

Growth Mindset Messaging:

"When you're faced with difficult challenges and you keep trying until you get better, your brain grows new connections and becomes better at taking on new challenges in the future. When something does feel really difficult, your brain learns how to respond more effectively to that challenge. It's a lot like the way rigorous exercise makes your muscles sore at first but, with training, your muscles didn't just get stronger, they also recover more quickly when you push them to your limits."

Stress-Can-Be-Enhancing Messaging:

"People often mistake their body's stress response for a sign that they're in a situation they can't handle. It's easy to do - racing heart, fast breathing, sweating - these are also ways our bodies respond in emergencies, when we're in real trouble. This is a mistake that actually can cause you to perform worse because, if you think your stress response is a problem, you're more likely to be worried about it and get distracted from performing. You can use your body's stress response effectively next time you feel it kicking in while you're trying to perform or master something difficult. When you start to feel anxious, try to remind yourself that this is your body's way of helping you to rise and meet the challenge you're facing. That should help you to spend less time worrying about the fact that you feel anxious. Then you can focus on what you're doing and let your body's stress response give you the extra boost you need."