From the Deputy Rector

Kia ora, Tēnā koutou katoa, Fakaalofa lahi atu, Tālofa lava kia orana, Mālō e lelei, Mālō nī, Ni sa bula vinaka, Tālofa.

It has been an incredible privilege over the last few weeks to celebrate the achievements and contributions of both the young men and staff of Palmerston North Boys' High School.  The highlight of these celebrations was our first 'proper' Prizegiving since 2019 alongside many award presentations and farewells to both students and staff made at assemblies.  In this newsletter, we recognise the achievements of hundreds of young men in academic, cultural and sporting activities.

Achievement in any field of endeavour does not come easily and for those who achieve at the highest level, it is the result of dedication and determination - sheer hard work.  All young men who have been committed to their curricular and co-curricular activities and who have achieved to the highest level they can, should be proud of their efforts.  

Against a backdrop of three years of disruption and disappointment, during which time a concerning number of young men and parents have been very quick to make excuses, it is refreshing to be able to highlight those who have simply 'got on with it', who have shown resilience, dedication, determination and perseverance and have consequently achieved their potential.

Whakanuia te tangata ringa raupā ǀ Respect a person with calloused hands

The extent to which we can take pride in our progress and achievements in any undertaking is directly related to the effort that we have put in.  We should respect hard workers - Nihil Boni Sine Labore - Nothing Achieved Without Hard Work.

We have also farewelled four long serving staff members who between them have worked at Palmerston North Boys' High School for a total of 126 years - Mr. Lowe (42 years), Mr. Drake (37 years), Mr. Bester (24 years) and Mr. Adams (23 years).  Alongside their teaching duties, each of them has given up their time to provide a very wide range of co-curricular opportunities to young men.  Our school would not be the school it is without these contributions and staff freely give of their time because they realise the important benefits that young men gain through our co-curricular programme.  During his time at PNBHS Mr. Drake has spent more than 70 weeks on either Year 13 or Year 10 camps, providing opportunities for thousands of young men.  In doing so he has also spent 70 weeks away from his family.  This level of commitment from our staff is incredibly appreciated and we wish Mr. Lowe, Mr. Drake, Mr. Bester and Mr. Adams al the best for their very well-deserved retirements.

How to Raise an Adult

In his Prizegiving address the PNBHS Board of Trustees Chairperson Mr. Michael Lawrence referenced the work of author Julie Lythcott-Haims.  In her book ‘How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success’, she voices her concern that the growing culture of ‘helicopter parenting’ is preventing young people from developing the ability to deal with all that life puts before them. No longer do many parents usher their children into adulthood by ‘walking alongside them’ and guiding them through life’s obstacles and periods of challenge, more and more they are ‘walking in front’ and removing the obstacles and challenges so their children do not have to face them.

It is understandable, to an extent, that parents increasingly take this approach. However, in doing so their children do not get to experience the learning that comes through persevering in the face of a challenge, or the invaluable learning that comes from experiencing failure. Lythcott-Haims asks “When and why did parenting change from preparing children for life to protecting them from life?”

She argues that a change of perspective is needed. If we focus on raising a child, that is exactly what we will get; a child. Instead, we should be focused on raising an adult, as ultimately that is what our children will become. Further questions she poses include “Have parents done so much for their children that they have been deprived of opportunities to develop a belief in their own selves? What will become of young people who are qualified and accomplished on paper but lack the ability to make their way in the world without the constant involvement of their parents? How will the real world feel to young people who have grown accustomed to problems being solved for them and praise being heaped upon them at every turn?” and, most tellingly, “How, and when, do young people become adults?”

Lythcott-Haims links the advent of the cellphone to a decrease in young people’s ability to problem solve and organise themselves, referring to them as “the world’s longest umbilical cord.” Instead of attempting to solve issues for themselves, many young people’s first instinct is to contact someone, usually a parent, to solve the problem for them. Prior to cellphones, we had to speak with our parents in the morning and organise what was going to happen during the day and then had to ensure we were on time and ready for the commitments we had made. Nowadays much of this has disappeared; no thought is given to prior planning and there is an expectation that the person on the end of the phone will drop what they are doing to respond. How is this suitable preparation for an independent and autonomous adult life?  Furthermore, this lack of certainty and ad hoc approach to organisation creates anxiety in young people; something that can be easily avoided.

It is essential that parents are engaged in their son’s schooling. Indeed there is much evidence to tell us that parental involvement is a vital component of academic success. However, there is a distinct difference between parental support, in which young men are given advice and direction on how to approach life’s difficulties, and parental dominance, in which any problems or issues that arise are resolved by the parent.

A checklist of essential skills is provided by Lythcott-Haims, who believes that an eighteen-year-old:

• Must be able to talk to strangers – be able to make health care appointments, talk to a mechanic about their car, open a bank account, negotiate with a landlord.
• Must be able to navigate – whether this is around town, in getting from city to city, around a university or polytech campus.
• Must be able to contribute to the running of the household – make their own lunch, cook meals, do their own laundry, mow the lawns.
• Must be able to handle interpersonal problems – be able to talk with peers, employers or teachers when there are problems.
• Must be able to cope with the ups and downs of academic programmes – respond positively to failure, understand that this is only a setback, not a terminal problem.
• Must be able to earn and manage money – find employment outside of parental contacts, and have to budget what they have earned.
• Must be able to take risks – if they don’t, how do they learn from failure, how do they develop their perseverance skills?

How many of these things does your son do for himself, and how many of these are done for him? Celia Lashlie’s advice for parents – mothers in particular – was to stop making their sons lunch. Why? Because this will be a first step in forcing him to take responsibility for himself. It is also likely to teach some lessons about cause and consequence – the consequence of him not making his lunch is that he will be hungry.  Much better to learn about consequences when a short period of hunger is the worst that can happen as opposed to learning about consequences after getting into someone's car.

Overparenting is beginning to be linked to increases in adolescent mental health issues. The conclusions from a 2010 study were that students with helicopter parents were generally more vulnerable, anxious and self-conscious. Conversely, a number of studies identified that students who had been allowed to take risks and experience failure through their childhood and adolescence were less likely to be confronted by mental health issues.

Young men need to be encouraged to take greater responsibility for themselves. Undoubtedly they require help and guidance, but more importantly, they need the tools to get on successfully in life, and many of these are surprisingly basic. As starters, they need to have the skills to organise their day in advance without relying on cell phone contact with parents. They need to be able to make their own lunch and bring it to school. They need to understand the importance of being punctual and having a good attendance record (what employer will want them if they can’t meet these basic expectations?).