After recent conversations with parents, and children, I thought it was a good opportunity to share the discussion with a wider audience.

Often the first thing that comes to mind when children are having social problems with others is to define the behaviour as bullying. Both children and adults do this. The term bullying is used commonly in many settings including schools and workplaces. Children use the term frequently, however in my discussions with them when the issue is explored, bullying occurs infrequently.

It is important to be able to clearly define any negative or troubling behaviour between children so that we, as educators, parents and caregivers, can respond in the most useful way.

Four types of behaviour to be defined:

Teasing

Teasing occurs between children who know each other well and generally is seen as everyone having fun. The most common form of teasing is through bantering. The teasing is usually reciprocal and isn’t intended to be harmful. With strong relationships, teasing can involve everyone and is often a sign of affection. Examples of teasing are:

· giving each other silly nicknames

· mimicking each other

· bantering with each other about things they like and or who has the best ideas

As long as the teasing is considered as joking by everyone, it is a friendly way of communicating with each other.

Being mean

Being mean occurs most commonly between children who know each other well. It is usually the result of thoughtless behaviour. Children are often self-centred and are still learning to develop a sense of empathy. Being mean is most often an impulsive behaviour, occurring as a reaction for feelings of being angry, anxious or isolated. All of our children have had their thoughtless moments:

· taking something they want regardless of whether someone else needs it or is using it.

· saying something personal without stopping to think about the impact eg. I think your bag is ugly

· pulling a face at someone because they don’t understand or like something that is happening

· doing something they think is funny but may be offensive or annoying to others eg. scaring someone by running up and jumping on them

Conflict

Conflict occurs between children for a variety of reasons. Most commonly, it may be the result of children getting frustrated with each other, not sharing equipment, toys, getting unwanted attention, perceiving something as not fair, or when children have not communicated well with each other. Some examples are:

· when the rules in a game are not followed children become frustrated with each other. Less mature children may demonstrate their frustration physically with a push, hitting, crying, or saying mean words. Older students may be physical or verbally aggressive and argue in these situations.

· when children are playing together and a mutually physical game becomes a little rough. eg a group of children are playing around a puddle, jumping and splashing each other. All with a sense of fun until someone slips gets wet, and feels silly. The child might react by being physical, complaining angrily, crying or sulking. All natural reactions in children when their pride is hurt.

· When there is an accident and a child’s work is affected in some way eg. a tower of blocks knocked over, or someone is bumped as they are doing something intricate. Frustration is demonstrated with behaviour that looks like anger.

There are many more examples that can occur on a daily basis when groups of children interact. Children may demonstrate similar behaviours at home with family members, either their siblings, cousins, or close family friends. A class of children is like a big family. Children spend most of the day together and it is inevitable at times that they will come into some form of conflict with each other. This could be a low-level squabble or something more intense.

Conflict is often confused with bullying. The difference is that conflict is, more often than not, something that happens in the moment, unlike bullying which is intentional and often premeditated. Hurt feelings, or feelings of fairness, may continue along with conflict until there is some form of resolution reached. It is quite common for teachers to be dealing with a conflict, to be told by the children that they have moved on and it isn’t a problem between them anymore. They have naturally resolved it for themselves. Conflict usually occurs between children of similar ages, stages of development or shared interest. In a conflict situation, everyone involved usually feels unhappy, and has contributed to the problem in some way.

Bullying

In bullying, there is an imbalance of power between the people involved. With children, the power imbalance may be due to physical size, age, developmental stage, or popularity. The imbalance of power enables the person, or groups of people, to control or harm another person in some way eg. excluding them from a team. Bullying is intentional, repeated, and targeted towards a vulnerable another person. The intended outcome is that the person bullying gets something they want, or prevents someone else from getting something. The person bullying gets some kind of personal satisfaction from having the upper hand.

Examples of bullying are:

· Intentionally excluding someone from a friendship group repeatedly

· Intentionally embarrassing or humiliating someone again and again

· Threatening or intimidating another person in an ongoing way with the intent of making them feel scared

· Using social media in a way that ridicules or targets others in a deliberate, ongoing attack.

Bulling is always intentional and is repeated over time. It is sometimes subtle and difficult to identify.

Here are some links to articles which will help further define these types of behaviour.

Videos explaining the difference between bullying and conflict

Peer Conflict and Bullying

Bully Free NZ

In a follow-up article, I will explain how our school procedures and restorative practices are used to respond to these four types of behaviour.