Helping to dealing with disappointment and failure

In a recent Listener article, “Greater Expectations”, Sarah Catherall investigated the effect on young people when they feel pushed to be extraordinary, exceptional or perfect by parents, peers, a 24/7 online world, a results-focused education system and an achievement-oriented society.
(https://www.noted.co.nz/currently/currently-social-issues/anxious-why-kids-need-to-know-its-ok-to-be-average)

This often results in a sense of pressure, anxiety, mood disorders or depression in young people who will give up rather than persist if they feel they’re not good at something. Being average is actually ok.

Professionals say that young people aren’t being taught by adults how to handle knock-backs and grief as a result of the positivity movement; that they are feeling pressure to be upbeat and happy, despite tough times. The negative effect on self-esteem of the idealised images and seemingly perfect lives of friends and influencers on social media cannot be underestimated, particularly for girls.

Another concern is over-protective or intense parenting which can hinder a young person’s ability to cope with failure and conflict and the development of resilience. “Toughen up” is not the best response. Limiting screen time is a good place to start; helping them not to catastrophise and blow things out of proportion; and accepting that your child may not be performing at excellence level academically, in sport, in cultural activities etc despite their best efforts is also helpful. The advice is to ease up and accept your child’s capacity and intellectual acuity, to help them retain perspective and look at what positive steps they can take to resolve a problem.

It is up to all of us to really consider the definition of success, the things we say and the pressure we apply to perform, succeed or look perfect. Do encourage them to do their best but also to be their best – well-rounded, kind, caring people with strong core values and good citizens – and love them unconditionally. Time with your teenagers is short.

Auckland-based Clinical Psychologist, Gwendoline Smith, offers these tips for parents:
• Get your teen breathing calmly to settle their nervous system before you start talking to them.
• Get them to clearly describe what they’re anxious about
• Acknowledge their distress but normalise and ‘de-catastrophise’ it for them
• Encourage them to realise that because they feel something, it doesn’t make it a fact. Reassure them. Are there other perspectives to consider?

Your role is firstly to listen to understand, not reply. Then reflect back their feelings with empathy and show that you think it’s in the realm of something they can manage.
Such as: “That stinks! It sounds like you feel you’re being left out or misunderstood by your friends/you’re disappointed at your result…. How are you going to handle this?”)