With the help of Jan Nicholson from Mana Ake I have found a few different articles and resources to support parents when talking to children about death.

First is a video retelling of a children's book - The Badgers Parting Gifts by Susan Varley

You can download an adapted article from Te Omanga Hospice at the bottom of this page.

Another great resource is this article source from Jim Daly of Focus on the Family: https://jimdaly.focusonthefamily.com/how-to-talk-with-young-children-about-death/

Lastly, these suggestions are from a book for children ‘Someone I love died’ by Christine Harder Tangvald

Suggestions for Parents

1. Include the child in Family Mourning

Give children something valuable – your time and attention. Include them in family mourning so they don’t feel left out. They need to have a feeling of belonging in times of sorrow as well as in times of joy.

1. Talk it out

Encourage children to talk openly about how they feel. Listen to what they are really saying. Use phrases such as “I wonder…” or “One question I have is…” or “I feel…” to open the lines of communication to such topics as anger, guilt, fear etc. Death often makes us feel helpless and vulnerable. Talking out our feelings is an excellent therapy.

Be sure to use a normal tone of voice. Avoid whispering or using an unnatural tone.

1. Repeat each child’s feelings

Permit children to participate but don’t force them to. Please do not be judgemental if they do not act or respond as you think they should. Some children may even seem distant.

Allow each child to vent any or all of the emotions that are associated with the grieving process: shock, denial, anger, frustration, sadness, fear, guilt, despair, panic, etc

Don’t discourage children from crying. Likewise don’t encourage them to display unfelt emotions. Let them feel how they feel.

1. Give physical reassurance

Physical reassurance is essential. Hug children, hold hands, tuck them in at night, etc. Also make frequent, positive eye contact. These methods of comfort can be as important as anything you might say. Physical reassurance alleviates the fear of being abandoned.

1. Prepare the child for future events

Don’t surprise children with unpleasant experiences. Explain step by step the procedures for what is going to happen now. Explain some important terms, including some positive terms: casket, viewing the body, funeral, cemetery, cremation, grave, soul, Heaven, God, Jesus, etc

Don’t assume children know what is happening.

1. Give honest answers

Answer each child’s questions honestly, but don’t go into more detail than is needed or can be understood.

Gently explain the immediate cause of death – accident, old age, illness. Children want to know too. Also this diffuses the feeling that somehow they caused the death. Assure them that nothing they have said or wished or done has contributed to the person’s death in any way. And assure children that this is not about to happen to them.

1. Provide escape time

Give the child opportunities to interact with other children and times to escape constant feelings of sadness that can surround a death.

1. Accept support from others

Accept support for both yourself and your children – from family, friends, your church, and from God.

1. Pray together

Our security is in the Lord. In sorrow stand on the solid rock of God’s Word. Use the security of Jesus’ promise as an anchor – for yourself and for your children.

Join hands with family and friends, including the children, and pray – whatever is on your heart.

God hears. And God understands. He really does.

Christine Harder Tangvald