Dear Parents and Caregivers,

Here’s an updated version of last years lockdown newsletter. No mention of Trump this time… but please have a read through and don’t hesitate to get in touch if you or your daughter need any additional support.

My first question is “How are you doing?”

This Lockdown came quickly and out of the blue, meaning the anxious lead up was less. But now as we watch numbers growing and experts discuss south island safety uncertainty, we are still in the anxiety provoking situation of ‘not knowing’.

As a school, our main interest is of course the students and how they are getting on. Very much tangled up with that is how things are at home for the whole family, because we know that plays such an enormous and important role in how our young people do at school and how they thrive, or struggle in a variety of ways. So my question at the start is a very real one.

Please look after yourselves. It's the most important thing we can do for our children.

Compared to last year, where it was a new and unfamiliar experience, this time we know the ropes, and for many young people that has made it worse. Last year was hard for many of them and some have dreaded the thought of another lockdown. And here we are again.

I would say choose your battles wisely – now’s possibly not the time to be having arguments over the little things, or how much time is spent on a device. It’s about everyone managing in their own way, ensuring that doesn’t negatively impact on others in the home. If you can, try and have some time each day where you all interact together as a family and try to find a positive spin for this time. During lockdown it can be hard for everyone to get on all the time and arguments between family members can increase. This can really add to anxiety and stress for children, heightening their sense of not being safe – so as parents, it goes back to looking after ourselves, getting the breaks we need and acknowledging to ourselves that this is hard for us too and trying to keep conflict to a minimum.

While some girls are struggling, others are loving the opportunity to be at home and the thought of having to go back to school is the thing that is causing them upset. And then of course there are the girls who just loved being at school! That familiar, happy routine, the friends and teachers who contributed to their day of interesting banter and learning.

So it's hardly surprising that many girls are struggling to feel good right now. In fact, it's very very normal if you've noticed that your daughter isn't her usual chipper self. It's interesting when we think about why this might be the case – and it all comes back to our brain's survival tactics. There are three things that our brains need in order for us to feel safe and they are:

1. Attachment (relationships with key people who give us a sense of safety)

2. A sense of control

3. Positive, pleasurable experiences

So when we look at this, it makes a lot of sense why we and our children might be feeling a bit out of sorts. For our teenagers, their friends are the most important people in their lives. Parents take a bit of a hit during these years and peers take the front seat for emotional support.

The brain is registering this lack of safe people as a threat to safety – a bit like a zebra who has been left behind by the herd. Suddenly they are extremely vulnerable!!

Then we have number two and it's not rocket science to figure out that we are all living in a state of “are we all safe and I wonder what's going to happen”?

The world has been turned upside down and for many of us that can be really unsettling. It's why we like routine so much, it gives us a sense of control and predictability and why a lack of these things can cause anxiety. Not knowing what's coming up can be particularly difficult for some people.

And of course number three is something we all need to feel good. The avoidance of pain and negativity and things that give us a sense of purpose and positivity. So many girls have lost the things they loved to do most or were looking forward to and again, the brain sees this as a threat to safety.

Currently all three of the things the brain needs to feel safe have taken a massive dive, so with that comes anxiety – either a little or a lot and then after a while of feeling like that, still lacking important connections, control and pleasure, we start to feel a bit down and then we can lose motivation and on it goes.

So if you have noticed this in yourself or in your young person, think of those three areas and acknowledge the grief and the loss that is happening at the moment. So many things and people are missing from our lives. Take a moment to allow yourself to notice what comes up in those three areas for you or your daughter/son. There's bound to be a lot.

Over the next week, see if you can make a concerted effort to fill the empty buckets in other ways – recreate things, or at least acknowledge what might be difficult and sad right now.

Resilience is a word we throw around like confetti, but here we are in the midst of creating some. The thing that comes out of adversity, so I guess for that, we have to be grateful. Take care everyone and remember to remind your brains that you are safe. Just saying that to ourselves makes an enormous difference.

We have collated a number of relevant wellbeing resources in the St Hilda's Virtual School Google Drive to support you and your children during this challenging time. You can access the Wellbeing section here. We will keep adding to this resource bank as information becomes available to us.

Kia kaha.

Marcelle Nader-Turner and Shannon Prentice

St Hilda's Parent Seminars Postponement