Message from the Counsellor
We are a lucky bunch. We live in a land of opportunity and freedom, with so many ways for us to feel successful and valued. Be it academics, the arts, sport or social and leadership avenues, the ways in which our young women can ‘reach the stars’ is limitless.
The prospect of all that success and accolade is enticing and dizzying, the thought of gaining more self-worth or social standing an additional pull.
But here I want to insert that graunching a needle on a record noise – there is an enormous and treacherous cost to being the ‘can-do’, ‘successful at everything’ ‘has it all’ and ‘is everything to everyone’ girl. Not only is she striving for ‘top of this’ and ‘best at that’, she has to worry about what she looks like – slim enough, pretty enough, nice enough, sexy enough (not too much though…) and all of it must look effortless; the grinding anxiety and overwhelm hidden behind a perfect smile.
And what do we as the adults and parents too often do? We praise her for her achievements and encourage her to “keep going!” I mean chronic anxiety, stress and a loss of enjoyment in life isn’t really a mental health issue compared to “real” mental health issues… is it? Surely the thrill of success, future earning potential and social status is worth feeling utterly dreadful for?
Well I am going to say no it definitely is not. Our young people’s brains are a work in progress and if we put a lot of time into strengthening the stress and anxiety parts of the brain, then just like our bodily muscles, what we use most will get stronger. Our teenagers are in the middle of a mental health pandemic. Never has there been so much anxiety, depression or unhappiness – and no, it’s not just that we are talking about it more, research clearly shows that this generation is struggling three times more than when we were their age.
There are a lot of things we can do to help – here are a few:
Opportunities are everywhere – choose wisely, don’t do them all.
Good enough is good enough – Sure try your very best at a couple of things, but it’s impossible to be amazing at everything, or put the time into trying.
Prioritise self-care – we need to rest and relax and have the sense that we are totally free in that moment to look after ourselves and give ourselves the care and kindness that we need.
Be pleased when our children fail – those lessons are the best ones.
Praise our children for the simple things – not just their successes. The funny, kind, quirky, creative, loud…. The things that make them who they are.
As parents try not to think of what return you are getting on your investment – school is about having fun, succeeding, failing, learning about ourselves and others and ultimately gaining a wide range of skills in what is the beginning of their adult life.
True contentment in life comes from being happy with who you are on the inside and not needing to prove yourself to the outside world. Being able to show self-compassion when things are tough and compassion and empathy for others when needed.
Encourage them to get off social media. It is a hinderance in so many ways and prevents them being in the here and now, and encourages unhealthy comparisons.
As the counsellor at school, I hear too many stories from young women who feel they simply have to keep doing more – more dieting, more study, more leadership, more exercise, more trying to be the person that people will like. It’s exhausting. And who’s it for? Who benefits from the misery that comes from denying yourself food so that you can fit into smaller jeans? (Oh, and remember that’s never enough) Who benefits from you trying to be everything to everyone?
Take a risk and be you. Listen to that little internal voice who says “please, I just need a rest”.
Listen to that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are doing yet again the thing you hate, but think you ought to be doing.
And have the courage to have conversations about how you’re really feeling and what you really need.
You’re worth it. Always.
Tilly is over the moon with her new jacket, lovingly inspired and made by Liana Chungs Grandma Barbara Bucke and her neighbour and friend Judith Reader.
These two lovely ladies make dog jackets and give the proceeds to the Guide dog foundation. Thank you Liana, Barbara and Judith, Tilly will be warm and snug this winter!