Message from the Counsellor

I had a bit of a moment yesterday morning when a terrible injustice happened…..

I was having a skim through the ODT before going to my office when a lovely picture of a dog caught my eye with the heading “OUSA’s top dog up for national recognition”.

Immediately I had a tumble of thoughts: “What do you mean there’s a national competition for the ‘best dog with a job’ – that can’t be right, how come we didn’t know about it and why is Tilly not a finalist” (prior to being the winner?) and of course lastly – “well that’s not fair, because she’s the best and who do I talk to about this shonky national competition”!!!???

I suspect many of you can appreciate my feelings of disappointment, when you “know” that your child, (obviously better than all the others), wasn’t noticed for their brilliance. Because let’s face it, we are slightly biased when it comes to our own. The trick though is realising that we are biased and acknowledging that our emotions are tightly interwoven with wanting the very best for our offspring, which can mean that we become blinded to the realities of the situation.

I can remember my dear Gran telling me at any event where I didn’t shine “well dear, you were by far the best in my opinion.” It didn’t leave any doubt in my mind that the only thing she was communicating to me was her unconditional love, and it had nothing to do with my actual skillset! But sometimes the messages we give our kids can be confusing, especially when we mix up our sense of parenting success with the actual success of our children. There’s a lot of research out there about parenting practices and what can happen when we put pressure on our children to succeed. It hurts us as parents because we become anxious, feel inadequate and become more critical of our children, especially if we feel that we or our kids are being evaluated. It makes us more controlling and sends a message to our children that we have no faith in their ability to succeed on their own. For the children in a situation where there is high criticism and pressure to succeed, the statistics show a clear connection between depression and high rates of anxiety (e.g., Luthar et al., 2006).

So, as we head into the exam phase of school, the prizegiving’s and the announcements of scholarships, I acknowledge you all as parents and the possible disappoint/silent outrage/feelings of total horror, as your daughter is not named or mentioned, despite your knowledge that there is no light as bright as hers. But in that, there is a lesson in itself. Not everyone can get the trophy – even if there are multiple people who deserve it, which comes back to our own sense of self, our knowledge of the effort our children have put in, their dedication and perseverance (or let’s face it – not any of the above…).

So that brings us back to Tilly. Tilly is the best dog and I don’t need a national award to know it! Hundreds of girls at St Hilda’s would vote for her because of her complete dedication to being their friend. Friendship doesn’t compare or compete; it doesn’t secretly hope someone will fail; friendship shows kindness and care despite our own disappointments; it is happy for the person who did well and supportive of the ones who tried, but didn’t reach their goal.

Interesting that friendship isn’t an award at prizegiving, because surely without a doubt it’s one of the most important life skills there is.