Katrin Eickhorst shares how she became involved with Seasons for Growth, an educational programme to assist in recovering from loss and grief.

Recognising that change is the one constant in our lives is fundamental to the educational programme Seasons for Growth. It assists children and adults to cope with life-changing events.

Seasons is based on the research of psychologist J William Worden. He found that people are empowered and given a sense of hope when they take an active role in understanding the circumstances of affliction in their lives. Participants in Seasons discover that grief in the face of loss in their lives is normal and to be expected. Through the programme they begin to recognise their own coping mechanisms and understand their support systems. They learn to set their goals accordingly and make appropriate selections. And when faced with new challenges, they can refer back to their Seasons for Growth learning.

The programme is developed for children from six years old to adult. It has been used in schools, youth programmes, social work agencies and chaplaincies, particularly in prisons.

Grief Has Many Guises

Grief has many shapes and guises. We associate it with death and bereavement but it comes with many other situations and events — financial problems, redundancy and job change, separation, divorce and family break up, relocation, diminished independence and illness. People experiencing these losses may feel ashamed, guilty, unworthy, or numb and paralysed and be unable to make decisions or take choices.

It is so easy to find ourselves in such a crisis. Nothing protects us from loss and distress. Some people seem to manage well and find opportunities in their changed circumstances. Others appear to be stuck in their grief and bewildement. The effects of misfortune and grief can tear our lives apart and send us into despondency and isolation. Those times feel like the darkness and loneliness of an ever-lasting winter. How do people come to terms with events of trauma and desolation and integrate the experience in their lives?

A Personal Journey

I know from first-hand experience and my journey took six years. My world collapsed when my husband of 24 years left our marriage to foster a new relationship and marry a woman much younger than me. My life, dreams, hopes and memories were shattered — like shards of winter ice. Our broken marriage also broke our family. Our children went through fluctuating episodes in response to their shock and our relatives were crushed.

One of my most difficult challenges was to be a good mother while my heart was breaking. It required conscious discernment to maintain the dignity of everyone involved, at the same time as bracing myself against my inner impulses, anger and sorrow. Although I know family breakups are common, it gave me no comfort or ease from the pain knowing that “I was not the only one”. I thought I’d never recover.

Soon after the breakup I realised that my musical career would not give me enough income to be self-supporting and I had to weigh up other options. I enrolled at university to qualify as a secondary school teacher. I also had to negotiate our financial separation and search for a new home and employment.

Then I had a further loss and two bereavements. This is when I heard about and became a participant in a Seasons for Growth programme for adults. It gave me a way to process my damage and heartache and establish strategies for coping with future challenges. By participating I learned to integrate the painful experiences into the mosaic of my life. And as I awakened to my personal journey, I discovered new resources, talents and gifts — like courage, confidence and networking skills.

Most surprisingly, by choosing to share with others the benefits that Seasons had given me, I unwittingly created a new employment path. First I trained as a facilitator called a “companion”, then I became a coordinator and now I am a trainer of companions. I moved from winter into a new spring.

Understanding Our Grief

People have different styles of grieving and we need to direct them ourselves. When we are suffering sorrow and deprivation we may feel abandoned. Even while our friends may be keen to draw us out of our pain, they are often at a loss to know how. In fact, in spite of their good intentions, they can alienate us further with their eagerness. Well-meaning people said to me “time will heal” — it’s not true. I was told “it’s time to move on” — that doesn’t work. Some said: “I know how you feel” – no, you don’t. Family members who said: “You’re better off without him” just didn’t get it.

Grief cannot be packaged. There are no instructions for dealing with it. It is as individual as each situation and each person experiencing it. But it can be transformed into a treasure through conscious selection and change. Seasons for Growth is designed to accompany people towards that understanding.

My personal decisions led me to change career and vocation. For others it may not be as radical. I know adults who simply decided to participate in a small group, where they felt safe to explore how self-determination could empower them. Their taking responsibility for forgiveness and grasping the value of life after loss became for them an opportunity for release and setting free. They learned to take care of themselves and identify their own resources and their support networks. A participant in one group said: “It didn’t just help me with the past. It is helping me with the future as well … I developed tools that have helped my recovery.” Another said: “It was such a relief to know I wasn’t going mad. I was grieving and that that is normal.”

We all experience crises in our lives and our responses to them will differ. We can benefit from paying attention to how we’re living our lives and Seasons for Growth can help us with that. As one nine-year-old girl said in her In her final evaluation of the programme: “I think everyone should do it”.

Katrin Eickhorst is a Trainer and Coordinator for Seasons for Growth for Catholic Social Services in the Archdiocese of Wellington.

Tui Motu Magazine. Issue 248 May 2020