Mary Thorne points to the threads of kindness running through our way of being and doing in the world.

Kind can seem a mild, unremarkable word. We human beings are accustomed to undervalue and underestimate the extraordinary, transformative power of that which is hidden in the ordinary. Paradoxically, the notion of kindness is so simple yet so all-encompassing and complex!

Learning Kindness

As a chaplain in the women’s prison in South Auckland, I was sometimes looked at hard by a passing woman and asked: “What can you do for me?” A fair question. I usually answered, with a laugh, that I had big ears, a small mouth and time, so I could listen. I’m beginning to think that one of the keys to being kind faithfully is an openness, even a curiosity about everything.

All living creatures, including people, all places and their geological idiosyncrasies, all ideas, all endeavours; there is such fascination in encountering diversity and difference. I am ashamed to admit that, at first, I was surprised to discover, in the women’s stories, beauty and wonder, courage and vulnerability, tragedy and aspiration. I had been seduced by the stereotypical thinking that attaches labels to large groups of people and closes down opportunities for open encounters. To share the story of a life is an indescribable privilege. Honest encounter with another brings joy; kindness is a two-way street.

Quality of Daily Relationships

Another strand of kindness might be illustrated by advice I read a long time ago in some self-improvement book about relationships, which said that the success of a relationship could be measured by the quality of its ordinary time.

We all have high points, when we can hardly believe our own luck at how great things are. We all have low times, when we can barely see a way forward.

But the degree to which the practice of civility and mutual consideration is part of our day-to-day jogging along is the hallmark of success.

We know this in New Zealand because both international sporting success and huge natural disaster elicit our unity and generosity. Our ordinary time can be wanting. Small personal rituals of kindness can contribute to a much bigger reality.

Kindness as Manaakitanga

There is a fragment of Patricia Grace’s wonderful book Potiki, published in 1986, that describes kindness intrinsic to culture. In this case kindness is named manaakitanga. It has stayed in my mind for decades as a kind of precious insight that stretches me and helps me see.

The novel is set in a small coastal community which is experiencing persistent, unscrupulous attempts by developers to obtain their land for a resort. A devastating fire burns their treasured wharenui to the ground. Many from around came to help them fight the fire, to no avail.

Next morning the community is paralysed by grief and anger as they survey the ashes. Granny Tamihana turns to go to the wharekai.

"What shall we do?” someone asks and Granny Tamihana replies: “Manaakitia te manuhiri” — Look after the visitors.

“So it was she who led us to do the usual things of making tea, putting the cups out, bringing those who were outside in, pouring the tea from the big teapots, and then gradually to discuss what had happened, telling what we knew to those who had come.”

For a long time, when I thought about this story, I would think that Granny Tamihana showed her community that this is what we DO; even in crisis we ACT according to these deeply held values. Now, I think that she demonstrates to her people that this is WHO WE ARE. It is woven into our worldview and our default position is kindness.

Kindness Challenges Enmity

It can seem that the default psychological stance demonstrated within our society is often adversarial. Contest for supremacy, power or victory shape our human engagement.

Government is achieved by opposing factions competing fiercely, often denigrating each other, winning majority endorsement and governing, against constant opposition, for the given term.

Justice is supposedly arrived at by a battle to determine guilt or innocence with limited capacity for nuance, restoration or reconciliation.

Workplaces can experience distrust and struggle between employer and employee to find a just balance between fair wages and profit.

Different ethnic groups, sexes, religions, religious denominations can all engender fear, suspicion and antipathy towards outsiders.

Call to Be Faithful in Kindness

Little wonder that in the Scriptures our God asks of humanity to be faithful in kindness. Perhaps our fundamental call to conversion lies here. When we live in unity with the goodness and kindness that is God, our instinct to fight or flee from that which is other can change. It can become an openness and willingness to engage.

2020 has, so far, proved to be a momentous year. The pandemic is one massive aspect, but also a chorus of voices has become louder, challenging lack of kindness on many fronts.

Black Lives Matter challenges racism. #MeToo challenges misogyny. Greta Thunberg’s message that the adults of the world are failing future generations issues a powerful challenge regarding climate change. I feel very hopeful that a recalibration of humanity’s kindness is, at long last, building momentum.

On one Saturday morning recently on RNZ (Radio New Zealand) National we heard Samantha Power, former human rights advisor to the Obama White House and US Ambassador to the United Nations, speak about the complexity of social justice on a global scale. Emma Espiner who is completing her training as a doctor spoke of her powerful commitment to work to rectify the discrepancies in the health system which lead to failures in Māori health. She has a podcast, Getting Better: A Year in the Life of a Māori Medical Student. Eammon Ashton-Atkinson was part of the formation of the first gay inclusive rugby club, the Kings Cross Steelers, and was delighted that the All Blacks had affirmed his newly released documentary. The first Saudi woman film director, Haifaa al-Mansour, tells of the works she makes to show female empowerment. Thrilling stuff.

To Care Requires Courage

I have a sense that ancient blocks and barriers to love and kindness are more often breached by our young. Old ideas that tender-heartedness is foolish and naïve are being replaced by an understanding that connection and interdependence are the only possible pathways to the future. This relationality encompasses the Earth and all its lifeforms.

Kindness is not a soft option. To care requires courage because kindness is negated by fear. Alertness and willingness to listen deeply take us far on the path to wise, compassionate action.

A true understanding of faithful kindness includes no superiority, no beneficence, no long-suffering martyrdom. Nor are there conditions or requirements attached to it.

It seems more to be a prevailing, deep interest in the well-being of all and a willingness to act in order to achieve this.

It flows particularly into situations where there is pain, struggle, desolation, and when this distress is our own, we must be kind to ourselves.

The opposite of being kind faithfully is indifference. The women I met in prison knew instinctively when the people entrusted with their care were going through the motions without the slightest interest in who each woman was as a person. In such encounters neither party was satisfied and discord was exacerbated.

To live with a fundamental inclination towards kindness frees us from excessive fearfulness and allows us to live with a hope that pain can be healed and justice can be achieved.

Tui Motu Magazine. Issue 252 September: 6-7