Listen! We’re Saying . . .

For women this isn’t news at all: almost every young woman I know has experienced some form of sexual harassment in the workplace, most have experienced sexual assault and all have been in situations where they were made to feel unsafe or that their boundaries were not respected.

The exciting upshot of this movement is that these actions are no longer being discussed exclusively among those who are victim to them. The discussion is now being had by the public at large, with the internet proving the great leveller. The voices of the powerful and the powerless are being heard in equal measure. Movements like #metoo, a Twitter-driven initiative that encourages women to describe their own assault or to identify themselves as a person who has been assaulted or harassed, has given a voice to many who were, until now, scared into silence. “Time’s Up” is transferring that momentum into a legal fund to protect women who wish to speak up in the future. Driven by Hollywood, it aims to reach across all industries. It seems like what is happening is a revolution. The standards of what is expected behaviour are now shifting to meet the standards of what is acceptable behaviour.

For too long women have been violated — and then told that they were “wrong”, “overreacting” or that the behaviour was “normal”. Micro- and sometimes macro-aggressions were expected and tolerated. This year, that’s finally beginning to change. But change needs the support of large institutions to lead, while individuals do the private work.

Observing the #metoo movement and the rise of accusations has been powerful. From the conversations I’ve had with my friends it’s produced a re-examination of the past. Not exclusively, but for the most part, this means the women in my life have revisited past trauma, or finally been given the words to understand why certain experiences have made them uncomfortable. For the men, it’s been about admitting some hard truths to themselves.

No person is all good or all bad and human interaction is difficult. Often it’s not black or white, we exist in grey. But thanks to this movement and people speaking up, the boundaries are becoming clearer and the grey is illuminated. For some women it’s taken another to say: “This is my experience and it’s unacceptable”, to acknowledge their own feelings on past experiences. And for some men it’s taken hearing the experiences of strangers to see how their own behaviour affects others.

The question then becomes how to reinforce this personal introspection in our communities and teach young people about respect and boundaries so they don’t have to learn by experiencing or being responsible for violation.

I believe so much of this has to do with how we talk about sex and sexual relationships. This has to change in our homes, our schools and our religious communities. From the Church’s own experience with sexual assault it’s clear we don’t currently have a framework for these discussions. So much of the reason why people stay hidden about sexual assault is fear and shame. Fear of what their attacker will do to them and fear of being shamed by their own community.

I challenge the Catholic Church and congregation to think about how you will change the culture so that victims don’t feel as if they need to be silent. How can you begin to talk about sex in a way that encourages respect and isn’t weighed down with silent sin?

My concern is that this movement will be stalled. Stalled by parents who don’t want to acknowledge their kids are having sex and therefore don’t teach them about enthusiastic consent. Stalled by schools believing their job is only to educate on mechanics and not relationships. And stalled by religious communities who focus on the morality of sex in the abstract, divorcing it from the reality of people’s lives.

As we expand our view of traditional heterosexual relationships to recognise the validity and reality of many other relationships shaped by age and gender as sources of real love and personal development, I encourage the Church to look toward how we can shape the future.

What role can the Church play in developing a healthy sexual environment where respectful, consenting relationships are fostered and, consequently, so are communities where people feel safe to speak out? 

Alice Snedden is a writer and comedian from Auckland who identifies as culturally Catholic and religiously agnostic.

Tui Motu Magazine. Issue 223, February 2018: 27.