Friendship can be a bit like the weather - it can warm and grow us, or it can batter and devastate us. And just like the weather we have to make choices as to how often we venture out, to take the risk of getting wet or of being bathed in sunlight. It's all about being prepared!!

Knowing how to be a good friend and being able to make good friends is not something that just happens, as if by magic!  As with most things there are developmental stages to grow through, trials and errors to experience and dispositions such as empathy, independence and resilience to acquire.

Children's understanding of friendship develops and grows over time. In her article 'Growing Friendships' Eileen Kennedy-Moore explains how young toddlers see that friendship is them having things their way - they have not yet learnt to share or see another's point of view. Teenagers as they mature, are able to view friendships in a more balanced way, of give and take, empathy and understanding. 

Our Primary school-aged children are at various places along this continuum. Some have the confidence and ability to know that they can have multiple friends, without diminishing the value of any one in particular.  Being part of a team, working alongside a range of peers in and out of the classroom and seeing parents doing the same thing can help our children move along the friendship continuum.

Others are still at the stage where they feel they can only have one special friend, that is theirs alone and can struggle to share that friend, or cope easily as new people enter the friendship and the circle widens. They may become very possessive, over bossy and domineering.

One of the other most common friendship issues for primary aged children is that of 'power and control'. One friend seems to be the dominant one, they boss everyone else around, they can be very mean mouthed or they may threaten to 'never be your friend again!' when they don't get their way. Other children feel intimidated, scared and helpless. This can then present as tears and misery on the home front. Instinctively parents often react by wanting to 'fix' the problem.

Help your child cope with the end of a friendship -   from Eileen Kennedy-Moore :

'The odds are that at some point your child will face the end of a friendship. If your child is the one being rejected or dominated, this may bring out a fierce, protective reaction in you. Don’t go there. As tempting as it might be to call the other parent or speak directly to the other child, the ebbs and flows of friendship are something that children need to sort out on their own. You can empathize, coach, cuddle, or maybe even nudge, but ultimately, only your child can either repair the relationship or move on.'

Resisting the urge to instantly 'fix' is really hard!! There is no doubt about that!

However if as parents we can be strong enough, it gives an opportunity to use the experience as a starting point for learning and personal growth for your child.  It is important that we hear our children, that we help them reflect upon the events and help them be able to see things from the other person's point of view. We may not agree with, or like that point of view, but we have to learn to live with it. We can not change anyone's else's point of view unless they want to change it.

What we do have control over is how we choose to react! By supporting your children to take charge of the problem, by supporting and guiding them to find workable solutions is a great way of building their confidence, resilience and independence. I am not saying those solutions are always easy to come by or put into practice, but as when we are learning any new skill we know it takes time and perseverance, (another quality we want to develop in our children) so the effort is worth putting in.

It is great when we can find 'win-win' solutions where both parties feel they have retained their place and space. But there are times when we need to say, 'Enough, this friendship is not going to work, so I am going to walk away.' And that is ok, learning to cope with disappointments is part of growing independence. The gap may be filled by joining a team activity, a community group or hanging out with more like-minded people.

There are some great children's books as well.  'Better Than You' by Trudy Ludwig, 'How to Lose All Your Friends' by Nancy Carlson and 'Friendship is Like a Seesaw' by Shona Innes. I have these and others and am happy for parents to borrow them, pop in to see me.

As always I am happy to discuss any points raised in this article. My intention is never to preach, rather it is to provoke discussion and thinking.

Ka kite ano

ja:)